To say changing our financial status from two incomes to one is crazy, is an understatement. We live in the DC metropolitan area where one income is pretty crazy. We consider ourselves privileged that our struggle with balancing a budget remains slightly over poverty level for our family size. This transition has taught me a lot about myself, my family, and those less privileged around us. We struggle. But others struggle much more. I also recognize the privilege that is afforded to us that I was able to make this decision. So we did not make this decision over night or on a whim. We thought long and hard about it. We struggled with the pros and cons which most of the time were equal. But it came down to our kids and quite frankly, my sanity. I was deteriorating both mentally and physically. For whatever reason, my plate was too full and I couldn’t hang.
So the timeline, prior to me leaving my last job I had been a nurse for, 10 years. The first five of those years I worked as a telemetry certified turned oncology certified medical surgical nurse, working night shift. Emotionally, I loved the night shift with all my heart. My body however had other ideas. It kind of went like this; new nurse in 2009, married 2010, pregnant 2011, first baby 2012, pregnant 2013, left bedside nursing (probably for good), started as care coordinator 2014, and had another baby. Don’t get me wrong, my first pregnancy outside of the 24 hour morning sickness, wasn’t too bad. I had plenty of energy, I craved good for me foods, I was able to work without any problems physically. After she was born, in retrospect, this is where emotionally I began to spiral downward without anyone noticing. I experienced the harsh reality of *only* 90 days of maternity leave. I was the bread-winner so I couldn’t stop working. Oh, forgot to mention that Mike also lost his job three days after we found out we were pregnant. I’m one of those women whose sole purpose on this planet is to raise little people. It’s something I’ve wanted ever since I can remember. I’ve never been motivated by money, job titles, the biggest house or best car, latest phone, etc. So, returning to work was soul crushing to me. But I’m a determined individual and will do what’s best for all involved. For us, at the time it was to return back to work. Every night I would leave my baby who refused to take a bottle of expressed milk or formula and would wait 14 hours for me to come home. Then she would nurse all day. This was draining both figuratively and literally. But I stuck it out because to hell was I giving up nursing in addition to staying at home with my baby.
After my second pregnancy, which was traumatic (story for another post), I was pushed over the edge. I became super anxious, I couldn’t get along with anyone least of all my family. Luckily my husband was able to recognize that perhaps I had postpartum depression and brought it up at one of our follow-up appointments. At the time I was in denial and did nothing for it. It wasn’t until we became pregnant with number three where it’s like my gut told me, you can’t do this on your own. So, I rallied up my healthcare professionals and informed them that I tend to go a little nutty after pregnancy and that I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it this time around. I was right about worrying. My third postpartum was deceivingly easy until about 8 months when I went down hill fast. I couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t sleep, was worried ALL THE TIME. Long story short (because this is honesty another blog post), I attempted to maneuver things around when I came back from my third maternity leave. I ended up on another great team, put my head down, and performed my job. But once the newness of the new team wore out I again was left with what felt like constant chaos, to me.
I was given the greenlight from Mike to quit my job and don’t look back because the family unit depended on it. But being in the state I was in the thought of it sent me into a panic. I had crunched the numbers. His income was not enough to cover just the necessities. He didn’t care he wanted his wife back. The mother to his children had basically disappeared and he could not take it. Neither could the kids. So I sat on the decision for a year. Afterall, I had been working since the age of 12. Never had I ever took a break. I grew from babysitter, a local orchard staff, barista, teller ending as a registered nurse. But, after ten years of my career and three babies, I reached burn out. But I remembered who I was when I was little before I settled down and bought a house. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I dreamt of it. Mike wanted that for me as well. We knew it was going to be rough. But we were also confident in, us. We knew if we just jumped it would somehow all work out. Would we be unable to pay month to month, yes. But my mental health was far more important than any money at this point. So we jumped. May 2018 I submitted my letter of resignation not knowing if I’d ever return to nursing again or not with a goal of not worrying about that during this season. The summer of 2018 was cathartic. It was full of hugs, snuggles, messy fingers and toes, giggles galore, teaching and learning along side my children – it was my happy place. And they ARE my happy. I had the best summer I’ve had in my entire life, 2018, thank you.
The lesson I learned through all of this is not to shy away from decisions and choices just because they do not make sense for others or because they will make life difficult. Difficulty is the place of individual growth when you take the time to open yourself up to change. That being said, what I did not consider at the time was what to do about school for my children. Piper at that time was attending a private Kindergarten and there was no way I would consider enrolling in public, not in this area. I was steered towards homeschooling which is something my husband was very interested in us adventuring into, but me, not so much.
No Frills Mommy 